A Laughing Shadow

Library Thing

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 01:25:55 GMT

http://www.librarything.com/catalog/agordinier

Sat, 10 Jun 2006 03:46:30 GMT

My father died a couple of weeks ago. I was more than well prepared for it, I've felt the loss of him for years now, so this was a sense of finality and closure but not sadness. I gave a eulogy and so did my bitch 1/2 brother... I was honest about my father but respectful. He called father a "magnificant bastard" and openly insulted the majority of the family. I was amazed that we came from the same gene pool and upset by that commanlity. There is still drama though, mostly from my bitch brother. There is a time limit on that though and it will soon come to an end, after a few legal issues are resolved I never have to see him again.
I've gotten into grad school... The Chicago School of Profesional Psychology. I feel like I've suddenly stopped drifting.
I'm still moving in with my girlfriend, we've all but named the kids we're going to have. The first of many dogs will be named GIR, though I fear what that will do to the poor dog. I've never been so happy. Even my X-girlfriend showing up is a minor detail.
I'm mid-way through getting a massive tattoo done on my back, a variation of the cadacus wand with an angel in it. I've one more sitting to do and it will be all filled and perfect. Perhaps I'll post a pic of it then.

Don't really know why I'm posting other than to say that I'm happy and in love with the world. My best to all friends near and distant in time and space.

a season of death.....

Tue, 18 Apr 2006 19:59:52 GMT

First of all I've been awake for the better part of 24 hours... so take this all for what you will.
Death is every where I look as of late.
I know we are all of mortal stuff and must soon move on to whatever comes next, but as of late I see the shadow of death touching so many.
I recently got an e-mail telling me that a woman I had known had passed away from an infection, her name was Kay. I knew her daughters in highschool and once when my parents kicked me out she let me stay at her house for a year. I tried to pay her rent and she wouldn't let me. I did what odd jobs I could around the house, she had MS and there was lots to do but she had so many people helping her and looking after her there was never much to do. I always felt that I owed her, at least if nothing else than to be the "good kid" that she thought I was. In the end I couldn't make it to the funeral because it was at ten in the morning and I was working that day, no real way to get off at 730 and run to the far burbs in any resonable amount of time. I feel pretty shitty about not going, I told that to her daughters on the phone. They said she would have understood, I don't know.
Today I went to my old job to get a refrence from old boss. I found out that one of my coworkers, some one who was a friend at work that I wanted as a friend outside of work, had died of AIDS. No one knew he was sick, he never told anyone. He just quit work at the last moment and then people found out about six months ago that he was dead. I've been trying to call his old number for months, till it got disconnected. He and I used to sit in my office and talk about history and things around work, lots of diffrent things. I knew he was gay but he never talked about it and never told anyone, he wasn't very out so I left it alone. He was smart, funny, and had the sort of laugh that was honest laughter. I had great fun with him and had wanted to know him outside work, but he had kept a sort of distance. I have missed him and now miss him all that much more.
Then as I type my father still slips away. I'm going out to see him again this weekend. Last time hedidn't know who I was. My mother tells me that he can't even get into a wheelchair now, he now needs full assistance.

I want to call Sara, but she is at school. I feel like I should do something, not to fight off death... but to say something to these people who slipped away. should I shout something from a roof top or is posting this enough? To say that I was touched by them and inspired by them?

I don't know. I need some sleep.

not working out for me.........

Sat, 01 Apr 2006 08:37:29 GMT

Keeping up with live journal is not working for me right now, like so many other things. I will post when I can but there are no promises.

So while my girl friend sleeps on my bed I write. I would rather be there with her but I have to get back on a night schedual for work, so I'mup all night. This really sucks because if there is one thing I love in this world it is to cuddle with her as I fall asleep. I love her so much... I've started looking for apartments (were moving in together this sept) and started saving for a ring. I can't help that parts of me are insanly old fashioned, atleast she thinks those parts are cute or sweet.
My father's health continues to fail. He is now in "end of life care" at a facility that is pretty pathatic in every aspect and he is not getting good care. Ihave no say in the matter though because I'm not on the power of attorny. His gangreen (spelling?) has spread to both feet and most of his toes now, its no longer "dry" and has turned to the "wet" version that is much more virulant. I went to see him and he had no idea who I was, wouldn't even talk to me. He keeps touching every one around him in a "poke, are you real?" sort of way. If he's seeing spirits or just plain hallucinating is hard to say. I only know that the man is having a hard time getting ready to die, I don't think he is at peace with his life. I've made my peace with him though, I'll still need therapy years from now, but I'm at peace with him. I'm not sad, I'm just waiting.
The school thing is still screwed up and I'm frustrated, but I'm keeping at it.
I'm also thinking about starting the job hunt again, every one worth their salt is leaving the hospital. Working night shift will insulate me for only so long.

If you want to get strange looks use a Biohazard bag to carry your change in and go do your laundry at a busy coin laundry joint. No one will stand you and everyone will think twice about using the machine you just used. It's worth a laugh.

In regards to banned books....

Mon, 30 Jan 2006 19:38:26 GMT

" If your library is not 'unsafe', it probably isn't doing its job."
-- John Berry, Iii, Library Journal, October 1999

Sun, 22 Jan 2006 20:45:46 GMT

</A

and now forthe real post....

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 15:28:22 GMT

I have put in for vacation time at work and it of course ended up getting messed up. It took a twenety minute phone call to convince the lady doing the schedualing that I did not in fact want to work and take vacation time for the same day. As for the rest of my life... my father is doing better and I will be going to visit him as soon as I get some time off. However it has come to light that my asshole brother is the only one in the family with power of attorny. I'll type more later... my girlfriend is seducingme.....

so much time so many changes

Sat, 29 Oct 2005 16:47:48 GMT

So it's been way too long Ive posted.
I'm working at the hospital still, spending my nights dealing with Developmentally delayed and Mentally Ill people who never fail to say or do crazy stuff. It's fun and it pays the bills.
I've also been dating this really cool girl for about three months now. Her name is Sara. As I type she is asleep on her bed and looking ever so cute.
She used to be a mental health worker, like I am now, but she is going back to school to get her nursing degree. She is crazy,smart and fun.
I've moed down town to the Ravenswood neighborhood so I can be closer to work and closer to Sara. I'mclose enough to work that I walk and it only is a few minutes, hardly enough time to enjoy a rainy fall night.
I don't do much besides read,work and spend time with Sara. Though I have started the application process to go back tos chool...get my masters degree and keep moving up in the world.
I don't have an internet connection at my apartment yet so it might be a long while before I post again.
I hope every one is well and enjoying life.

Mon, 06 Jun 2005 09:29:51 GMT

Interpol
Wow! You are a 27 graded risk!

Damn, you are one dangerous person to know. Anyone asks, you never took this test and I sure as anything didn't write it. In 10 years time you're gonna be wanted on every continent for everything they can throw at you. Take my advice, always take a toothbrush and a flannel with you; you can get very sweaty with all those men in suits after you.

This test tracked 1 variable. How the score compared to the other people's:

Higher than 92% on dangerpoints

Link: The Risk to National Security Test written by botch_it_all on Ok Cupid

Pink Eye?!

Sat, 04 Jun 2005 17:27:29 GMT

For the first time in my life I have pink eye, damn it. I'm not allowed to work again till tuesday and it really fucked up my social plans for the weekend. i wouldn't mind if it was both eyes, then at least I would look demonic, instead it's just one and I look idiotic.

A new quote..

"... the ways of God and goverment and girls are all mysterious, and it is not given to mortal men to understand them."
- Time Enough For Love by Robert A Heinlein

Sun, 29 May 2005 14:15:21 GMT

I just taught my two year old niece to clench her tiny fists and shout out "Punk Rock!" as she stomps her foot. I think my sister is going to kill me, if the laughter dosen't get me first.

Two new quotes...

"When hate is in the seeds, you can only harvest weeds."
&
"As soon as one begins to dream of someone - weather pleseantly or in a nightmare - one becomes a captive."
The Glass Bees byErnst Junger

Wed, 25 May 2005 17:31:22 GMT

Again, I should be sleeping.
I'm sitting here in front of my computer trying to compose an e-mail to a woman I've meet on-line. Not the sort of thing I recomend doing on sleep dep so I'm putting it off till tonight when I will hope fully gotten some sleep.
The work thing is going well at the hospital. One of our current residents is literlly a mad russian, I have nick named him Rasputin and no one at work seems to think its funny. He goes around yelling and screaming in a nightmare combination of russian and english and pauses only to bless sinks, showers and drinking foutains. Normally not a big deal but the yelling and screaming does not go over well at three in the morning, especially in a locked ward full of the mentall disturbed. Either way Rasputin and I have a nice arrangment going... He swears at me in whatever language he wants and I tell him to go back to bed (which he never does) and together we make a merry ruckus till security arrives and he gets a shot of his favorite anti-psychotic medication. Rasputin will with any luck get discharged soon to some lucky long term care facility.
Other than that I am trying to make plans with a friend of mine to go to an art museum or something soon.
To be so very honest other than the moments at work when people are flipping out my life is pretty boring. It used to be allright that way... not any more. I was talking to Jutta about that the last time we had coffee and she looked at me and said; "Shadow, what do you want? A fucking inter-dimensional portal to open under your bed? You know better than to say you're bored!" The ever present careful what you wish for....

I finished reading a huge text book that was meant as an introductory tool for criminal profilers.... I now have way to much strange bits of informtaion in my head. Time to read something fun again... though what it will be I have no idea.
I'm goimg to go sleep on it amd see if the Dreaming has any answers.

Fri, 20 May 2005 13:48:46 GMT

Faith

An angel looking up,
will not stay.
Her eyes not on heaven,
but in contemplation
of far away.

We mere shadows
can only wish
that she stay,
for we are helpless
to the light
in her eyes.

Though we know
she will go
her own way,
these shadows
will still weep
and plead she stay.

I alone will be
a laughing shadow,
happy to be holding
even a memory
of an angel
I saw
looking up.

lamnent configuration box

Wed, 18 May 2005 00:21:20 GMT

For those of you who want a puzzle box as badly as I do...

http://www.hellraiserpuzzlebox.com/

I want the really expensive one that opens and turns!!!

Sun, 15 May 2005 20:10:16 GMT

So I'm supposed to be asleep right now... and I'm not.
Three hours does not make a days sleep.

So here I am stuck in the bright boundless light of day contemplating my Dreaming as of late, after all they are playing a role in this insomnia. Last night I dreamed that I was in high school again. There was this slim girl, whose name I couldn't recall in the dream, she and I were working on editing this magazine in some sort of student lounge. After a while we were talking and she kissed me on the cheek and smiled, when she realized I was surprised she said; "What? I can't kiss my boyfriend?" This made no sense to me though becuase I was despretly trying to recall who she was but I did know she wasn't my girlfriend. Before I could say something stupid though the zombies showed up, this time the running variety. We ran but there was not much of anywhere to run to, the school seemed to be big but all the rooms were interconnected so there was no good place to make a stand. By this point I realized that I was in the Dreaming and made an effort to "pull my gun" I've always been able to conjure it in my dreams and it usually does some good but this time was diffrent. I couldn't pull/conjure it and things were getting bad with zombies. One of them got hold of the girls leg and had pulled her down, the hoard of was not far of from attacking. I went back and beat the hell out of the zombie with a chair and pulled the girl to her feet. It was too late though and the hoard of zombies was on us. I looked at the girl and realized who she was... Shanon a woman I see around at work. Thats when I woke up.
Earlier this week in the Dreaming I was flying through an empty city, not blasted or burned, just empty. It was me and my wings and I loved it. Dreams like that don't happen often enough or last long enough.
Then still earlier this week I found her... Jillian in the Dreaming. It was a very sexual dream, more so than I am frankly used to. It was also very emotional and lasted a long time. However it left me feeling like anything dealing with Jillian always does... fucked up and bent.
Funny........... I get a case of insomnia and sit here thinking about the Dreaming.

What a fucked up mind I have.

Sat, 14 May 2005 01:07:41 GMT

Official Survivor
Congratulations! You scored 81%!

Whether through ferocity or quickness, you made it out. You made the right choice most of the time, but you probably screwed up somewhere. Nobody's perfect, at least you're alive.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 84% on survivalpoints

Link: The Zombie Scenario Survivor Test written by ci8db4uok on Ok Cupid

Sun, 01 May 2005 20:09:15 GMT

Your Birthdate: June 14

With a birthday on the 14th of the month (5 energy) you are inclined to work well with people and enjoy them.

You are talented and versatile, very good at presenting ideas, and you are also very good at organization and systematizing.

You may have a tendency to get itchy feet at times and need change and travel.

You tend to be very progressive, imaginative and adaptable.

Your mind is quick, clever and analytical.

A restlessness in your nature may make you a bit impatient and easily bored with routine, and rebel against it.

You have a tendency to shirk responsibility.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Mon, 04 Apr 2005 03:03:01 GMT

So I went out to spend time with people I haven't seen in months.
Pinball is doing well. He's having bizzare issues with women, like he had a girl trying to convince him to do the phone sex thing. Pinball is not so much uptight as he is naturally about as normal as you can get, so while he has been around all kinds of madness and depravity he has never tasken to it. The situation to me was so totally outragous that I laughed for a good half hour while he told me about it. I told him about my life and things at work. He looked at me and asked how I could laugh about the things that I saw at work. I told him the same thing I tell everyone else, I have to laugh... or else I cry and can't deal with the suffering. So I laugh at the lady who comes in to my office screaming that she's losing her mind because she lives with lunatics, when she is fact worse off than any one else on my floor. I laugh when a resident being sent out for a suicide threat throws a temper tantrum on the floor yelling it was a joke, then he threatens to kill me and my family. I have to laugh because there for the grace of the Creator goes I, strung out on haldol and unable to dream and staring at the TV all day as I smoke. I tried to explain to Pinball that I care about my Res's and that I do my best to take care of them. But in mid-argument I stopped. It's not something some one can understand until they've worked in mental health. We left it at that and went to see "Sin City". It was good and had was more than faithful to the comic books, it was truthful to them. Though I must confess the film noir got to me eventually and I found myself wanting a happy ending that wasn't bleak. All in all it was a good afternoon hanging out with Pinball. We keep each other in check.
Then I went over to another friends house to talk and catch up. I knew it was doomed when another woman answered the phone. My friend "Sparky" was in the other room so her friend answered the phone. What shall I call her? Best to describe her and perhaps that will help with a name. She has dark hair just past her shoulders, very dark and pretty eyes, deep olive skin, and a very decent body. What kills it is her personality. She is immature, arrogent, and selfish. She's not evil by intent, she just dosen't seem to know better or able to do better. Either way she was there and it was a sign that things were going to go bad and they did. There was no time for me to talk to Sparky or her husband and more people showed up over the course of the night, most of whom only added to my dislike of being there. It was too much drama and too much bullshit.
I put in my two weeks notice at work on friday.
I am more than ready to start anew with this job. I do so much better working nights.

Sun, 20 Mar 2005 20:17:11 GMT

Been a while since I posted... or even thought about it. I've been very busy but not with the things I want to be busy with. Work is so far out of control that I can't understand what prevents the building from slipping into some choatic half realized reality that would make Lovecraft scream in terror. The D.O.N. (directo of nursing) proves daily her basic lack of concern for the residents and her unwillingness to consider doing what is right, she is what I call "evil by default". During a recent care plan meeting a residents mother started yelling at the DON (I must confess I set the situation up) for over medicating her son and telling her she had no right to lower his meds, in front of the VP of quality control. I had thought that it was a master work of manipulation and a blow struck that might force the right things to start to happen, I'm starting to see otherwise. I'm starting to think that I will not be able to change this situation at all, that at best I will be able only to take care of those on my floor and even then in a limted manner. The psych-soc director (my boss) told me a few weeks ago that I was doing the right things to help my residents but I had better get used to fighting to get them basic care because; "Long term care of any kind is a culture of abuse." Words that ring true, more so now than ever before. I had escaped the rage of my boss for a long time but that ended last week. She lost several assesments that I had done and other paper work I had turned in, all told about a months worth around 65-70 pages, and told me that I had never done any of it. When I told her I had done it and argued my point she gave me an almost impossable list of things to get done in a week in addition to redoing all that lost work. I talked to my co-workers and found that she does this everyone about every six months or so. Keeping in mind that there are about 5 case managers this means that some one is always being yelled at about work they already did. There are other details about this that add to my final assesment of my boss being psychologiacly abusive to her own staff but they invovle my understanding of her personal life and I would be uncomfortable talking about that here. Suffice it to say that she fits the pattern and criteria for psychological abuse perfectly.
So, the job hunt goes into overdrive. I had an interveiw last week and another one this week. I don't think the last one worked out and I don't know if they are going to offer me enough money at this next one. A big part of the criteria for any job is tuition, if they help pay I can get my masters degree and be a step closer to being "Dr. Shadow". Then I can get an office and do therapy... perhaps even teach a bit. It sounds good to me, very good to me to be far away from the culture of abuse.
At least the stress is distracting me from the fact that I'm lonely and the dating scene here is less than fun to me.

I found this long ago on the net.... I found it again today on an old disk

Tue, 08 Mar 2005 04:56:31 GMT

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

                         The Conscience of a Hacker

                         aka The Hacker's Manifesto

by

                               The Mentor

                                 LOD/LOH

                          Written on January 8, 1986

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

        Another one got caught today, it's all over the papers.  "Teenager

Arrested in Computer Crime Scandal", "Hacker Arrested after Bank

Tampering"...

        Damn kids.  They're all alike.

        But did you, in your three-piece psychology and 1950's technobrain,

ever take a look behind the eyes of the hacker?  Did you ever wonder what

made him tick, what forces shaped him, what may have molded him?

        I am a hacker, enter my world...

        Mine is a world that begins with school... I'm smarter than most of

the other kids, this crap they teach us bores me...

        Damn underachiever.  They're all alike.

        I'm in junior high or high school.  I've listened to teachers

explain for the fifteenth time how to reduce a fraction.  I understand it.

"No, Ms. Smith, I didn't show my work.  I did it in my head..."

        Damn kid.  Probably copied it.  They're all alike.

        I made a discovery today.  I found a computer.  Wait a second, this

is cool.  It does what I want it to.  If it makes a mistake, it's because I

screwed it up.  Not because it doesn't like me...

                Or feels threatened by me...

                Or thinks I'm a smart ass...

                Or doesn't like teaching and shouldn't be here...

        Damn kid.  All he does is play games.  They're all alike.

        And then it happened... a door opened to a world... rushing through

the phone line like heroin through an addict's veins, an electronic pulse is

sent out, a refuge from the day-to-day incompetencies is sought... a board

is found.

        "This is it... this is where I belong..."

        I know everyone here... even if I've never met them, never talked to

them, may never hear from them again... I know you all...

        Damn kid.  Tying up the phone line again.  They're all alike...

        You bet your ass we're all alike... we've been spoon-fed baby food

at school when we hungered for steak... the bits of meat that you did let

slip through were pre-chewed and tasteless.  We've been dominated by

sadists, or ignored by the apathetic.  The few that had something to teach

found us willing pupils, but those few are like drops of water in the

desert.

        This is our world now... the world of the electron and the switch,

the beauty of the baud.  We make use of a service already existing without

paying for what could be dirt-cheap if it wasn't run by profiteering

gluttons, and you call us criminals.  We explore... and you call us

criminals.  We seek after knowledge... and you call us criminals.  We exist

without skin color, without nationality, without religious bias... and you

call us criminals. You build atomic bombs, you wage wars, you murder, cheat,

and lie to us and try to make us believe it's for our own good, yet we're

the criminals.

        Yes, I am a criminal.  My crime is that of curiosity.  My crime is

that of judging people by what they say and think, not what they look like.

My crime is that of outsmarting you, something that you will never forgive

me for.

        I am a hacker, and this is my manifesto.  You may stop this

individual, but you can't stop us all... after all, we're all alike.

                                +++Mentor+++

Copyright 1986 by Loyd Blankenship (mentor@blankenship.com). All rights

reserved.

The "Hacker's Manifesto" was published for the first time on the e-zine

Phrack Volume One, Issue 7, Phile 3, and then reprinted on Phrack Issue XIV,

File 3 of 9. At the end of the reprint you can read the following comment:

[May the members of the phreak community never forget his words -KL]

Sun, 06 Mar 2005 23:14:41 GMT

Waking
from troubled dreams
to sunlight
through bare trees.
I slip from darkness
to chase the light.
Call it what you will,
call it what you want.
Desperation
Determination
Demetia
We've each our own
light to chase.
You may see mine
a shadow or dream
to me it is light enough.

Sat, 05 Mar 2005 18:07:43 GMT

I need to win the lottery to affored this...

http://www.artifactsgallery.com/art.asp?!=W&ID=16636

I never knew he made a bronze out of "angel affair".

Tue, 22 Feb 2005 03:37:13 GMT

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The world is less one of it's finest maniacs who paved the demented and perverse way for the rest of us either too sober or too sane.

"There he goes, one of Gods own prototyps, a high powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too wired to live and too rare to die." - Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Sat, 19 Feb 2005 22:56:06 GMT

"Though I do not expect the terror of that island will ever altogether leave me, at times it lies far in the back of my mind, a mere distant cloud, a memory and a faint distrust; but there are times when the little cloud spreads until it obscures the whole sky. Then I look around me at my fellow men. And I go in fear."
-The island of Dr. Moreau by H.G. Wells

Mon, 14 Feb 2005 18:28:58 GMT

I left work early today. I didn't sleep well last night and it was showing pretty badly, even my residents were asking if I was all right. I asked if I could take a "mental health" day and was told it was no big deal. Its been raining all day and night here, so traffic has been kind of screwed up no matter the time of day but since it was only 11 am or so things were moving despite the number of cars on the road. I was in the center lane (of three) when there was a sudden almost total stop to all the trafic in the far left lane. As I blazed past I saw why... Some poor rain soaked dog was traped between traffic and the concrete wall that seperates the L from the tollway. Every one was slowing down so they wouldn't hit it but no one would stop to help it. I tried... I really did but by the time I stopped I was already about a mile down the road and could no longer see the dog. I felt aweful leaving but I had almost caused an wreck pulling over and people could barely get around my car, even though I was pulled over so far I could hardly open my door.
I hope some one picked that dog up.
But I still wonder how it came to be lost in that spot.... there is no real way onto to 290 that isn't fenced off and it was on the inside lane.